Chapter Text
Barty had never been to an engagement party in his life, and frankly, he didn’t understand why he should start now.
“What’s the point?” He whined, dragging his feet behind Regulus.
“The point of the party,” Regulus said, folding slices of cheese onto the sandwich, “is so Sirius can show off how disgustingly in love he is.” He looked up at the customer on the other side of the glass. “Meat?”
The customer pointed, and Regulus started picking apart slices of ham. “My point,” he continued, “Is that I refuse to suffer that alone, so I got permission to invite you and Evan, provided you don’t desecrate any public spaces. Toasted?”
At the nod, he turned and headed for the toaster, Barty trailing after him. “Can Pandora come?”
Regulus turned to look at him over his shoulder, “Who?”
“Evan’s sister. Pandora.”
“Why would Evan’s sister want to go to an engagement party for people she doesn’t know?”
“Seems like something she’d find funny,” Barty said with a shrug. “And Evan won’t want to go, but if me and Pandora are going, he’ll come.”
Regulus slid the toasted sandwich out and headed back to the counter, dropping it down. Barty fell silent while the customer rattled off the fillings they wanted. When Regulus started collecting them, he said, “I’ll talk to Sirius, but no one else. Remus wants it to stay small.”
Barty snorted. “No dick jokes,” Regulus snapped. “Sauce?” Barty opened his mouth, and Regulus elbowed him sharply in the stomach.
—
[10:01 PM]
Reggie: Pandora can come
[10:04 PM]
Barty c*nt Jr: thx pookie
—
Sirius answered the door with a cheery air that let some of the tension bleed from Barty’s shoulders. A happy Sirius, particularly one that was in his rightful spot at the center of attention, was much less likely to cause Barty bodily harm. They were ushered in, and Sirius greeted Pandora as if they’d known each other their whole lives.
Regulus found them immediately inside, taking Barty by the hand to drag him to the kitchen. Barty latched onto Evan to bring him with, and Evan dragged Pandora in turn.
“Before you go back out,” Regulus started, grabbing drinks from the fridge to pass out, “Barty, do you remember that waitress you had a thing with?”
Barty grimaced, glancing sideways at Evan before responding, “What about her?”
“Apparently she’s friends with Remus, and she’s here, and I need you to not start anything with her.”
“I’m not starting anything,” Barty protested, pausing to pry open the bottle in his hand with his teeth. He turned when Evan tugged on his sleeve. “Yeah, baby?”
“Who is he talking about?”
Barty froze, his eyes widening. “Um.”
Pandora tugged on his other sleeve. “That one?” She asked innocently, lifting an arm to point out the redhead across the room that was currently glaring daggers at him.
“Yeah,” he croaked, shuffling closer to Evan.
“She’s quite pretty,” Pandora mused.
“Do you think she’s pretty, Barty?” Regulus asked with a smirk.
“I think you should shut the f*ck up, Reggie,” Barty snapped. A hand decked in heavy rings and lined with tattoos dropped onto his shoulder.
“Did you just tell my brother to shut up?”
Barty turned his head to look at where Sirius was looking up at him, face set in a wide grin, one hand holding a champagne flute that would definitely hurt when it got shattered over his head. “What would happen if I said no?”
“I’d like to find out,” Regulus said happily, taking a sip from his glass without taking his eyes off the two of them. Acrylic nails dug into the meat of Barty’s shoulder.
“Evan?” Barty asked weakly, looking to his boyfriend for back-up.
“Tell me who the redhead is.”
“Never mind.”
—
Half an hour and three drinks later, Sirius and Barty were happily setting up a game of Pong in the middle of the living room. Barty had gone un-assaulted by the champagne flute when Remus and James intervened, and Remus was now searching the house for ping pong balls while James ferried cups to and from the kitchen.
Evan and Regulus watched from the sidelines, eager to stay out of sight and out of mind for the duration of the game. Regulus had unearthed a cat from underneath Sirius and Remus’ bed.
“Her name is Crookshanks,” he said by way of explanation when he walked up to Evan with an armful of orange fluff. “They found her in a dumpster.”
Evan wrinkled his nose at the name. “What’s a Crookshanks?”
Regulus shrugged, shifting the cat in his arms to settle it across his lap as he sat down across from Evan. They were tucked in the corner of the living room, in two armchairs that framed a squat bookshelf. “Remus wanted to name her Shrimpy. He’s claimed naming rights for the next one.”
“Oh.” Evan poked a finger out to the cat, watching warily as she sniffed his fingernail. He jerked back when her whiskers brushed against his hand.
“Rosie!” Evan looked to where Barty was standing in front of a laid-out pyramid of cups, holding two ping pong balls in one hand. He lifted the hand holding the balls. “Blow on daddy’s balls for good luck?”
—
The game died out after about thirty minutes, Barty getting gradually more aggravated every time he missed a shot, and Sirius getting hopelessly distracted by Remus’ hand up his skirt. Barty was making his way to where Evan and Regulus sat talking quietly, while Regulus stroked an orange mass of cat, when his view was obstructed by a head of deep red hair.
He made a move to sidestep her and found his path blocked by her matching his movement. “Do we have to do this, Red?” Barty sighed. “I told Reggie I wouldn’t get in any fights today.”
“Don’t make this about yourself,” Lily huffed, jabbing a finger into his chest. He took a step back. “Do you know the blonde girl?”
“Pandora?” Barty glanced around the room. “Where is she?”
“I don’t know, but she’s been following me around since you all got here. It’s getting creepy.”
“You should talk to her,” Barty said, glancing over Lily’s shoulder. Evan had caught sight of the two of them and was standing up. He took another step back. “She thinks you’re cute.”
“I-” Lily blinked. Her hands dropped from her hips. “I’m not gay.”
“Mhm.”
“What-”
“Nothing.” Evan was coming towards them, Regulus following in his wake. “Just uhhhh, explore that. Maybe.”
“Hold on-” Barty neatly sidestepped her hand and picked up a brisk walk to meet Evan halfway, immediately wrapping him in his arms to distract from any questions. Evan let out an odd squeaking noise at the sudden contact, but melted into the embrace without complaint. Barty rested his chin on Evan’s head to look at Regulus.
“What’s up with the cat?”
“I’m her favorite.”
“She was hiding under the bed, wasn’t she?” Sirius asked, popping up over Regulus’ shoulder. He reached a hand around to pat her on the head. “She hates people,” he cooed.
“Takes after Regulus, then?” Barty asked with a grin. Regulus shifted Crookshanks to one arm to flip him off, and Sirius scooped her up, flipping her upside down to cradle her like a baby. Evan wound his arms around Barty’s waist and buried his face in his shoulder. Barty glanced down at him, then looked back up to Regulus. “I see why you and Rosie get along.”
“I’ve decided Evan is my new best friend,” Regulus said definitively, crossing his arms and lifting his chin. Evan made a muffled noise of assent, and Barty scoffed.
“Asshole.”
“f*ck face.”
“Pillow muncher.”
Sirius yanked at Regulus’ arm, having dropped the cat, who presumably fled back to the safety of the bedroom. “Reggie, I have friends who wanna meet you. Come on.”
Regulus reluctantly shuffled off behind his brother to a larger group of people, and Barty promptly duck-walked himself and Evan, still latched onto his waist, to the armchair Regulus had previously been occupying. He twisted to sit down, grabbing Evan’s thighs to bring him along and set him down so he was straddling Barty’s lap.
“How’re you feelin’, baby?” He murmured into Evan’s hair. He heard a soft huff, and Evan wiggled to adjust himself more comfortably in Barty’s lap, extracting his arms to wind them around Barty’s neck.
“Too many people,” he grumbled.
Barty hummed, running his hands up the sides of Evan’s thighs, giving them a light squeeze. “We can go soon. Gonna need you to wrangle your sister away from Lily.”
Evan reluctantly lifted his head to glance over his shoulder to where Pandora had Lily cornered by the opposite wall. “You dated her.”
“Not sure you could call what we were doing dating. We had a thing. It ended badly.”
Evan sniffed, watching as Pandora reached up to toy with a strand of Lily’s hair, then turned back to Barty. “You’re mine.”
“Sure am,” Barty said happily. “I got several tattoos to prove it. And a tooth. And you’re in my lap right now. I think she’s got the message.”
Evan grabbed a fistful of Barty’s hair and pulled his head back to examine his neck. The hickies there had largely faded, leaving just a few yellow-green tinted spots. Barty allowed himself to be maneuvered, eyes remaining fixed on Evan. “Not enough,” Evan muttered, then ducked down to sink his teeth into the side of Barty’s neck.
Once there was a sufficiently bright new mark, Evan shoved himself off of Barty’s lap and turned back to face the room at large, holding out a hand for Barty to take before leading him back over to where Pandora and Lily stood, looking much friendlier than they had before.
Pandora turned as they approached, and her and Evan devolved into a wordless conversation, communicating through eye twitches and what Barty could only assume was some psychic ability. Lily gave him a baffled look, but he just shrugged before draping himself over Evan’s back to lean forward. “Panda?”
“Five minutes.”
Evan huffed, crossing his arms. “Two minutes.”
“Three.”
“O-kay,” chirped Barty, tugging Evan back by his waist. “We’ll go tell Reg we’re leaving. See you in three minutes.”
—
“Sirius, great seeing you, thanks for not killing me.”
“Thanks for not ruining my party. We still on for tomorrow?”
“Brownies and Mario Kart?”
Sirius nodded eagerly, and Barty grinned. “Absolutely.” He looked at Remus, whose chest was plastered to Sirius’ back, cradling him where they stood. “You gonna be there?”
“It’s my weed you’re baking with, so yes.”
“Sick.”
—
[11:01 PM]
Remus: Bartemius
[11:05 PM]
Barty: Remus John
[11:07 PM]
Remus: Do you have Pandora’s number
[11:10 PM]
Barty: mayyyyybe :)
Barty: who’s it for?
[11:13 PM]
Remus: you know who
[11:15 PM]
Barty: she couldnt ask me herself?
[11:18 PM]
Remus: she doesn’t want to unblock you
Remus: please
[11:20 PM]
Barty: anything for you babycakes
[11:30 PM]
Barty: evan wants me to tell you that he thought about it and he thinks Shrimpy is the superior name
[11:31 PM]
Remus: Evan is my new favorite
[11:33 PM]
Barty: oh not you too :(
Barty: what if i like the name shrimpy
[11:34 PM]
Remus: Do you?
[11:35 PM]
Barty: …
[11:36 PM]
Remus: That’s what I thought
