In the words ofMaya Angelou,“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, butpeople will never forget how you made them feel.”
Ithink aboutmy impact on others.I alsorememberthe people who havehadanimpact on my life by allowing me to make mistakes and grow with dignity. Theprofessor who let meassert myselfas a20-year-old, colleagueswhohavetoleratedmy growing pains,parentswholetthoughtlesswordspass.With the benefit of time and experience, their kindness is revealed to me, and I feel their grace in my life.
The concept of “grace”isanunmerited gift of compassion we givetoor receivefrom others.I find that internalizing grace in my everyday interactions makes me more aware ofthecompassionof others. It allows me to seegood inmyself andaccept and receive forgiveness more readily. This is important to my well-being and mental health.Gracereducesmyfeelings of regret and hostilityandteaches me empathy.Practicing graceallows metorecognizehidden acts ofkindnessfromothers and the potential in myself to be a source of generosity.
In my life and career, Ican point tomanyinstanceswhencolleagues and strangers have afforded me thegrace necessary tothrive.Often,an act of grace is an act of restraint. Adecision not to act.Sometimeswecan seeit,but mostly itisanearlyinvisibleact ofcompassion.
What Does it Mean to GiveGrace?
A simple wayto understand the giving ofgraceis to think of itas the intentional act of spontaneous forgiveness. Givinggrace is leaving something unsaid,not having the last word, not being right at the expense ofa friendship, anintimate relationship, a child’s self-esteem,ora professional relationship.
Givinggraceisthe decision to forgivea strongly worded email.Givinggrace isproviding an off rampin difficult conversations.Grace is saving someone embarrassmentwithout their recognition.I think back to something my father would tell me about children. He would say, “Don’t crush their spirit;you have the advantage of experience and wisdom, let them win anddon’t be quick topoint out mistakes.Someday they will recognizethis,and they will love you foryour patience.”Weall recognize the importance of giving grace tochildren,even toour families,friends,andacquaintances.What aboutcolleagues?
WhatDoes itMean toReceiveGrace?
Receiving gracecan be just aschallengingas giving it to someone else.Sometimes you might exchange a look of acknowledgement.Oftenyou won’t know until laterthat someonehas given you grace.It’s not a transaction and it doesn’t require reciprocity.The best way toreceive grace is to recognizethe compassion thatisafforded to you anddecideto treat others the same way.
“Be kind. Everyone you meet is carrying a heavy burden.”- IanMacLaren
Tips forLiving in Grace:
- Spontaneousforgiveness.An important part of living in grace istoreadilyforgive yourselfandothers,withoutreservation.When your default orientation is to let things go,it makes everyday interactions lessstressful.
- Practicerestraint.Pause and reflect before you speak. I don’t often wake up in the middle of the night stewing over things I should have said, but I do wake up wishing I could takebackwords. Practicing grace helps me avoid regret and improves my sense of mental well-being.
- Don’tassume theworstin others.Affordcolleagues, friends,andespeciallystrangersthe benefit of the doubt;theymight be facing their own challengesandarenot out to get you. Imaginepulling someone back from the brinkrather than pushing them over.
- Don’texpectrecognition.The special thing about giving grace is that it isa nearly invisible act of compassion. It requires no reciprocity.
- Imagine how others havesilently helped you.Practice seeing how you have been afforded grace by those around you. Itgeneratesfeelingsofsupportand connection.
- Tradeshort-term vindication forlong-term relationships.Remember, people will never forget how you made them feel.
Learning toofferyourself and othersgracecan becontagious. The simple act of lettinggo ofslights, seeing the best in others,and recognizingthe invisible generosity of our friends,family,colleagues,and strangers leads to a sense of mental well-beingthat spreads likea ripple of water. Ittakes work and it’snoteasy,buthaving a mindset that seeks to find the good in others tends to make us happier, strengthens our social bonds,andleads tobetter mental health.
Cover image by Alex Shute.
