I tried 'slow dating' – and finally found love (2024)

‘I’ve always been someone who wanted a relationship,’ admits Lauren Josephine, 34. ‘Over the course of my twenties and early thirties, I ended up going on more than 200 dates in my search for love. The majority of my dates came from apps, where I found it easy to fall into the trap of getting really excited about the idea of someone very quickly, without really taking the time to get to know them.

‘Because I wanted a relationship so badly, whenever a guy would show me a lot of attention and interest, I would get totally sucked in and lose all sense of rationality and wisdom. I loved getting paragraph-long texts gushing about how amazing I was, and I’d get caught up making all these future plans with guys I barely knew. Rushing in felt fun and exciting, and each time it would happen, I would think this is it – he’s my person! But all of those situations ended up not working out and each time one ended, I was completely devastated.’

When Lauren turned 32, after yet another “love-bombing to burn-out” relationship, she hit an emotional rock bottom. “I realised I really needed to change my approach. I decided to pursue a slower, more intentional life by first quitting the two most addictive things in my life: dating apps and alcohol. Instead of hyper-focusing on intensively dating, I focused instead on living a life that made my soul happy.”

That was the start of Lauren’s journey to “slow dating”, a growing trend in the dating world. Bumble defines slow dating in their dating guide as: “people taking the time to get to know each other and build a connection before deciding if they want to pursue the relationship or meet in person.”

Social media is awash with thousands of people in their thirties and forties doing the exact same thing – eschewing the “kiss on date one, sex on date three” rule in favour of actually getting to know someone and building a friendship before moving into romance.

It’s also the focus of new book, The Spark: Sex, Love and Spirituality in a Toxic Dating World, by Rosalind Moody. “I think it’s crucial for us to go slow because our nervous systems are so hyped up with everything going on this chaotic world,” says Moody. “So many people are dating others at once and it feels so unstable.’

She has her own experiences of what she calls “chaotic dating”: “It’s dating without any intention. You don’t even know what your needs are. It’s sleeping with people, hoping it leads to more but you’re not voicing those needs. You’re dating lots of people on the go, but you’re burnt out.’

After a breakdown on the bathroom floor aged 27, Moody decided to put dating on hold. After her year-long “man ban”, she began looking at her previous patterns and slowing them down “by 500 per cent”.

“Slow dating is a filtering technique that sorts out who wants a quickie over who’s interested in you, and it also means you have a grounded experience and don’t get carried away,” she explains. “There’s no drama. It doesn’t sound exciting, but it’s a way better investment for you.”

This is exactly what Lauren knew she needed, so when she next met a man online, she deliberately went slowly. She exchanged “wholesome” messages for a few weeks with Ethan (three years her junior), before going on a coffee date.

“Our first date was pleasant, but I didn’t feel that manic ‘OMG, he’s my person’ feeling afterwards. He was really sweet and didn’t trigger my anxiety or desire to rush in at all, so it was a little bit foreign at first. I even found myself doubting the spark and noticed feelings of avoidance and boredom. But I eventually realised there was no real problem and this was something I had to work through to have a healthy relationship.

Their first few dates went well, but when Ethan began messaging her more, Lauren slowed things down again, explaining she’d prefer to keep messaging to a minimum to avoid creating a sense of false intimacy. His response – “to plan consistent in-person dates so we could get to know each other that way instead” – meant she could trust he was looking for something serious.

She also raised the big topics early on, so she could check they were on the same page with relationship intentions, future goals and values. And when it came to sex, she waited a month.

“I realised during these initial stages of dating him that so much of my previous desire to rush in was founded in anxiety. I didn’t feel secure in those past relationships, so I wanted to go as fast as possible to try and ‘lock in’ the guy. With Ethan it was totally different – he was consistent and transparent with his interest in me, so there was no urge to rush. And we built up an emotional connection before becoming physical.

According to Rosalind, delaying sex is one of the biggest hurdles to slow dating. “People get tripped up by having to say, ‘I don’t want to do that yet. Can we go slow?’ Which means often we go along with sex because we don’t have the language not to. Conscious dating is when you’d rather say your whole truth rather than people-pleasing. And that does mean you risk losing a date with a hot guy.

For her, there are two essentials to “conscious” or slow dating. “One, if you think you’re not ready, don’t date. It takes time and energy so if you don’t have that, you’ll only get reflections back, and meet people who don’t have time for you.

“And secondly, if we slow down, our nervous systems catch up. That means we’re less likely to go into anxious/avoidant attachments, and actually be ourselves in front of the person we’re dating. If you find someone isn’t for you, the sooner you cut it off with grace and respect, the better. You might find you’re better off as friends, or it lays the groundwork for the most fulfilling relationship you’ve ever had.’

She and others say going slowly can get you to where you want to be even faster.

“I went slower with my partner than I had with anyone in the past, but we ended up saying, ‘I love you’ faster than I had in other relationships,” says Lauren. “But nothing about it felt rushed. We moved in together around the one-year mark. Then we just got engaged a few weeks ago, two years into our relationship.”

She’s since published a book all about her dating experiences Looking For Something Serious and she hopes that her hard-learnt lessons about going slow will inspire others to do the same. “By rushing in and going fast, you tend to miss incompatibilities and red flags. If you start out going slow, yes, it’ll take longer at the beginning, but when you do finally run into someone who’s a great match and whose relationship goals are aligned with you, you’d be surprised at how quickly your life can change.”