Grindr recently turned 15 years old, so it seems an appropriate time to discuss its impact on Oxford culture. Oxford Grindr is a disconcerting grid of D Phil students, tutors, sharkbait, union hacks, and, possibly worse, SU hacks using it as free advertisem*nt for their platform. Of course, it also has the typical Grindr oddities of “masc4masc”ers or “Couples looking”, but there really is something unique about Oxford Grindr, if even more heinous. This presents its own challenges, so let’s see if we can address, and hopefully provide guidance for anyone, ranging from the baby gay to newly out of relationship to well-worn oxgay, on how to navigate this rough, versatile, open, and dominating environment.
Size Matters: The Community is Smalllll
The community of gays that use Grindr, and when we say “use” we mean that in the fullest sense, is necessarily very small. What makes that worse is (with the exception of some bitter exes, failed situationships, or prescient friends, all of whom may have blocked you) everyone close to you gets the same grid, especially your friends that live nearby.
This makes the most common experience for gay men even more common, which is showing a fellow hom*osexual Homie a guy you are speaking to, and learning (tone varying from concerned to excited) that they have, in fact, got with them before. This often unfolds like a Yelp review, no one asked for it, it’s terribly helpful, and is often overly negative, but quite often very entertaining.
This phenomenon has its ups and downs. At its best, there are genuine benefits, from forewarning of someone who shaves in a certain way just to make their dick look bigger, or preventing emotional harm to a dear friend by not hooking up with one of their traumatic plush mistakes. At its worst, it may spoil your excitement for a first date, with the knowledge that the person you were intending to have a romantic dinner with may have a piss kink. Or perhaps that only makes you eat (and drink) faster.
Sometimes, we have control, deciding whether we share our escapades with our friends, but on the other hand , you never know who sees you getting together in plush (or a college chapel, or the top of a boathouse apparently), or what sounds come through the unbearably thin walls that plague Oxford. Ultimately, cutting your friends off from generally interesting, if borderline traumatic stories, would be a disservice to everyone and, of course, risks you getting with a friend’s ex.
So I suggest we, if begrudgingly, embrace this part of gay culture while hoping for a brighter day where one does not need color-coded post-it notes (or in Wadhams case, what I understand to be a complicated PowerPoint) to adhere to whatever form of Bro code still exists. And really it’s more likely RuPaul will stop fracking, than gay men will stop gossiping, so what choice do we have?
Shark Week, Tutors, and Grad students on Grindr
While the pool is disconcertingly small, it is also equally worryingly diverse. The oft-tired discourse on sharking and other such taboos becomes much more relevant when a baby gay first year, who was too young to even Pokémon go to the polls a year ago, is on the same platform as a tutor or any series of townies, old enough to believe “Pokémon go to the polls” was a fantastic reference. So this begs the question, what are the rules? When is it weird? When is it hot?
First things first, nothing between tutors at the same college or course, and no relationships with a greater than 4-year age gap. Nothing good comes from a 22 and 18 year old, and nothing good from master collections becoming, well… masters collections. Second thing, if an undergrad is to get with a tutor, please make it a D Phil. Not only so bad mid-coitus puns can be made about D Phil’ing them up, but we also avoid worries of trustees, undue influences, and professional misconduct.
Beyond that, the precise lines of demarcation and the complex power dynamics calculations, are an area best saved for controversial oxfess’s and enraged comment sections. Is getting with an anon 35-year-old acceptable as a fresher? Perhaps not. Does it seem to be a Grindr rite of passage to do so after all the other viable options have been depleted or dramatized? Perhaps. What about the much-discussed but ubiquitously engaged in 2nd year sharking relationship with a fresher? High potential for problematic-ness, absolutely. Equally high potential the second year is just incompetent, immature, or irrational? With every fiber of my being, yes.
There are absolutely valid concerns with any of this, but each hard and fast rule set in place, risks one throwing the baby out with the bathwater at the first sight of nuance. So I propose we take each situation as it comes (hopefully well before he does) to consider these worries, and consult your fa*g hags, fruit flys, and twink handlers. While drinking your pineapple juice, sit and consider if this is the uni experience you want. And always remember to follow the much-heard, but often ignored maxim: Rather than top a twink, Stop and Think.
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